The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
