He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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