I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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