The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
