I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
