she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Randomize
