I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just found a bag of teeth...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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