Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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