If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
