Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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