I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
