I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
