I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
