How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
