A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
