she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
