WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He has the fingertips of a God
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