Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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