Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
