I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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