you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
