Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
