if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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