His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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