put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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