Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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