dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
