i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
