I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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