Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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