I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
