you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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