Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
