Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
