Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
