The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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