I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
A bitchslap is in order.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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