My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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