if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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