dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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