I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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