I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
