New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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