i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize