I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
