I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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