I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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