I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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