just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The best revenge is premature balding
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
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