Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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