That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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