i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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