Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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