there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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