sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
