when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
