When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
