they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I don't want my vagina anymore.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
