did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
