last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
